Tuesday, 11 November 2008

• I'm really tired right now, but a lot of it is my own fault. I can't seem to let go of this stupid b/p train I've been on. I'm terrified that if I stop b/ping, and eat normally, I'm going to gain a lot of weight. This is probably utter foolishness... and I know it's probably easier and healthier to lose weight on a consistent diet... and yet I can't shake the idea. At this very moment, my brain is so warped that it really believes food is the enemy. God. When was the last time I thought like this?? Ridiculous.
  
  In other news, I had my counseling appointment today. I was pleasantly surprised by the entire thing, actually. I was surprised, first of all, by how easy it was to talk to him... I mean, I didn't spill the entirety of my guts or anything, but I was pretty honest about most things. I was also surprised by some of the things he said. For example, near the end of the session, after I had told him about a lot of the self-destructive bullshit I've done to myself over the years, he said something about how he could see I was truly in pain... and the tone of voice, the sympathy in that voice, was something I hadn't expected at all. I guess I'm so used to being told by psychiatrists, or having it implied, that the self-destructive aspects are really not that big a deal, or that doing them somehow makes me lesser of a person. Of course, today I didn't exactly sit in that room with any bravado. I told him, even, that I felt shame about things like the cutting, because I truly felt that I should have been over it a long time ago, and here it is all starting to come back again. I am not at ALL proud that I've been SIing lately.
  
  Anyway, after he sort of got an idea of what I had come in about -- which to me was rather confusing, and seemed to flip flip around all over the place, but perhaps he understood it all more rationally and objectively than I -- he asked me if I'd ever done any of the groups. So then he told me about a group for mood management that is ongoing there, and said he thought it might be a good idea for me to try it. (I talked more than once about how my mood never seems to stay the same, I often have trouble deciding if I need help because I "feel fine" for awhile, etc.) The plan we set up is that I will attend the mood management sessions for two weeks, then have a sort of follow-up session to see how things have been going, etc.
  
  The group itself seems okay, from what I can tell. Apparently it may have as few as 2-3 people in it right now, and it relies a lot on group support, etc. The counselor told me that the essence of it was basically that people go in and talk about things in their life, how they've coped with those things, what has and hasn't worked for them, etc. "Mood management" is a pretty broad term, so it could mean anything from depression to bipolar to reactive borderline-esque mood swings such as I think I experience. According to the summary I read online, I think it can be for either situational reactions or longer-standing patterns of mood. I guess it all depends on the group members, etc.
  
  In the past I have tended not to be able to open up all that much in group therapies, such as at Homewood, where I remember that I said nothing that seemed of any really large consequence to myself in interpersonal (the main group therapy). Opening up is hard for me in general, and the more people you put in a room the less likely I generally am to spill my guts, because I have a huge fear of rejection, plus in speaking about anything I must also confront my own shame, guilt, etc etc. I have hopes that if the group really IS as small as it's supposed to be, it might be easier to open up within it. On the other hand, I'm also afraid that because the group is small I may get pressured into speaking before I'm ready, or pressured to go in-depth faster than I feel comfortable with. Buuuut it's quite possible that I'm also overthinking this whole thing. I did that same thing with worrying about the fact that my counselor was a psychiatry resident, after all.
  
  In any case, I hope something helps soon, if anything ever will. With each day that passes I seem to grow more and more apathetic, hating of life and of myself, and anxious about how "fat" I think I am. For now I'm not superbly restricting -- I still recognize that super restriction isn't a good thing to do. But I'm also getting more spells of depression and anxiety, am b/ping a lot more, and am cutting more, so I don't know if the fact that I'm not extremely restrictive yet really means that much. :|
  
  I hope you've all had a lovely day. :)
  

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