Today was a fucking awful day.
I binged and binged at suppertime, and yet didn't feel ill enough to purge. Didn't have the energy to purge, either, or even the desire. So all that food has been digesting for at least six hours, making me fat, making me a fucking whale.
I have been getting back into cutting, albeit kind of slowly compared to most, I am sure. Objectively it's not a good thing... so why do I feel as though it is good? Why does it feel natural and even soothing to be cutting again? I don't know. All I know is that it's like feelings I've been trying to restrain for so, so long are finally coming to the surface, and there is almost a kind of joy in discovering that this part of me is not gone -- that there is still something underneath all the apathy and anxiety that can feel, that can express the pain instead of suppressing it, that even realizes the pain is still there. And I revel in the self-injury itself. It is like an old, long-lost friend is finally returning to me. I know this probably all sounds ridiculous from an outside point of view, but in my head it's... not fully wonderful, but still, in its way, kind of wonderful.
I have stocked up on first aid supplies.
I bought some new binge food today, although it's not exactly a total supply... more like something to fill up the corners, after I grab whatever I want to eat from upstairs. Which is something I've been doing more and more often lately, because I never feel like binging solely on the food I have in my room.
I rediscovered a collection of utility knives and blades that has been sitting in my room for a good couple of years. Surprisingly, none of the blades are at all dirty or rusted. Probably because they've been kept in a closed container all this time, a container which yet aerates. (Hard to explain.) I never used a utility knife before yesterday, and I was surprised that I found it to be a good utensil. I remember not liking utility knives much before.
My exam studying... didn't happen today. At all. Which is really shitty, because my exams start on Wednesday, and I have one apiece on Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Now is really NOT the time to be slacking in my study. So why, for the love of god, didn't I study today?? My only attempt at an answer is that, mentally, I was completely tuned out of school. I could not face the thought of devoting any time or energy to rereading material yet again. [I don't mean that I read it recently... just that I HAVE already read it before, weeks or months ago, and studied it in-depth for exams before this.] I guess... I just did not care.
And yet I HAVE to care. Because this is the final haul, and I
need to do well on these exams, or I am going to freak out. And in the case of my calculus exam, this is my one last chance to redeem myself. I currently have a 59% average in the course, and the exam is worth 60% of my grade... and if we do a lot better on the exam than we've been doing in the course, the prof has said he will adjust the grade accordingly. If I do well enough, I could come out of the course with a B (65% minimum). That's a long shot, but I have to
try, don't I? And I do NOT want to have shelled out a couple hundred bucks for tutorials just to end up doing really shitty in this course. I ABSOLUTELY do not want to have to retake this fucking course!!!
Just five more days. I can do this. I
have to do this. I
must do this. There is no option to not do this. I do this, or I lose what semblance of sanity I am still clinging to. This is goddamned necessary, and I really truly mean that.
I need to pummel this thing to the fucking
ground.
Comments (3)
Do you think your difficulties in school are related to the ED? I know it seems kind of obvious, but sometimes we forget just how much the ED affects all aspects of life. I'm worried that you've started cutting again. I forget if you see a therapist regularly or not. (Please forgive my horrible memory). I think you need to work on replacing the cutting with a different behavior, rather than just stopping it all together. I know a lot of people who have kept a rubber band on their wrists and snap it 10 times when they feel the urge to cut. I know it's not the same, but maybe it will help decrease the SI??
Hope your final goes well. Please fight.
<3 Britt
@The_2_Voices_of_Britt - I really don't know if the school troubles are due to ED... sometimes I suspect it. Maybe bulimia has unbalanced my chemistry more than I thought. Or maybe I have just not been eating sufficient nutrients, or maybe my iron or B12 is low, or something else is wrong. I don't know. It seems like all my symptoms come and go, so I never take them seriously, because I know they'll just go away again eventually.
At the moment the resident I was seeing at the counselling center is going to set me up with a new psychologist... one who's actually at the university long-term and who does the kind of therapy I'm pretty sure I want.
My problem with giving up cutting is that... I don't really want to. It's been so long since I've had it back, for real, and I'm just tired of this whole trying-to-be-put-together thing. I need SOMEthing, you know?
I know exactly what you mean when you say cutting feels natural and soothing.Ive been cutting off and on for 5 years and everytime i get help and stop i think im ok, but then the feelings, the urges, come back and eventually i get tired of surpressing them and cut again. and it feels like having a part of myself back.and its just good to be able to feel that pain through all the sadness and anixety,to be able to feel anything other than those feelings.but thats just me.if u ever need someone to talk to.i'm here to talk too.